These are completely hypothetical and just things I imagined that would crack me up:
10. Blake Griffin dunking over King Kong. — We’ve seen those hilarious Kia commercials with Blake Griffin acting a fool, dunking over any and everything, and probably boosting Kia’s sales by 150%. So let’s up the ante. King Kong, climbing the Empire State Building. He turns around and glares at Griffin. Griffin dribbles up slow motion, propels himself up, and dunks on a goal that is positioned perfectly at the peak of the building. He lets go of the rim, drops onto King Kong and rides him to the cement below. At the end he is standing as a conqueror on the dead gorilla’s chest. If this isn’t good enough, then we could just use the last shot of Jordan dunking in Space Jam as his arm extends and he dunks over all the evil aliens. But at the end, he lands and unzips his face. Blake Griffin steps out of the fake skin and we find out he was a stunt double for the scene. HaHaHa makes me laugh just thinking about it.
9. Politicians get their comeuppance. — How about a nice 30 second spot just talking trash about all the politicians? Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Tea Party. Just some random agency funding the Occupy Movement and the spot just shows snippets of people voicing their frustrations. Then at the end the screen goes black, pan up white lettering and this: “We spent what your CEO makes as an annual bonus on a Super Bowl commercial.”
8. Doritos and Budweiser fuse together. — Every year it seems Doritos and Budweiser make me laugh the hardest during the Super Bowl ad spots. So let’s just combine the two giants and just make the most epic, longest, most hilarious commercial of all time. Maybe something involving a monkey, and the moon, and the Kraken, maybe Robin Williams makes a cameo; oh, and we have super hot chicks eating Doritos and drinking Budweisers in a pool of nacho cheese. Yes, this is outrageous, but what else could you expect?
7. Liam Neeson. — Just a new movie trailer, or maybe just Liam in a chair reading the great works of Charles Dickens. It doesn’t have to be technical. Just keep it brief and involve gunplay.
6. The Rock vs John Cena. — How about we get a preview match of the upcoming Wrestlemania match between John Cena and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? It can just be a 30 second promo of The Rock hitting the Rock Bottom on Cena and then toasting a beer with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin; in the background: Mick Foley chews on nails and talks to himself. Brilliant.
5. Janet Jackson breast malfunction. — We could just show the infamous “Wardrobe Malfunction” in slow motion and then the words “Remember this?”. It can be sponsored by the NFL Committee of Super Bowl Memories.
4. Five Hyena Energy. — I would like 5 Hour Energy to do better work. Their commercials are boring as hell. So I have an idea. An animated skit with talking hyenas walking upright. It’s late at night, they are all tired, and a wounded deer walks into the frame. They all start giggling (think Whoopi Goldberg in The Lion King) and take 5 Hour Energy shots. Now just imagine five totally hyper, caffeinated hyenas tearing a deer apart and making obscure pop culture references. Ha!
3. Ricky Gervais. — Why hasn’t anybody exploited this comedy genius in advertisements? Imagine Ricky plugging a Super Bowl ad spot. It could quite possibly be the most hilarious commercial of all time. He could do something silly too. Maybe promote Hamburger Helper. Or that pistachios company that gets celebrities. Maybe a spot of Ricky using Karl Pilkington’s head as a nutcracker and it says “Ricky does it with his mates.” Or you could have him trying to break it open and cussing. The curse words are bleeped out, but it says “Ricky does it uncensored.” That would be hilarious.
2. Other sports promoting themselves. — Picture this, if you will: spectacular NBA plays (dunks, steals, shots, crossovers) played in slow motion to the crescendo of The Beatle’s singing Hey Jude. Just imagine black and white images of Derrick Rose dunking and in the background you hear “Nah, nah, nah, na-nah, nah-na, hey Jude!” Why The Beatles? Why the eff not? This really only works for the NBA as football and basketball are really the only sports I get excited for. What would we show for the MLB? Slow motion glove catches? Yeah, maybe if we wanted everybody to change the channel.
1. Geico Gottfried. — For one night only, the Geico Gecko is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried in a blatant middle finger aimed at the duck on the Aflac commercials. You’ll remember Aflac fired the comedian after he made jokes about the earthquake damage in Japan back in March of last year. Better yet, how about the Gecko’s American cousin flies in for a visit and he is a purple gecko with an excruciatingly annoying voice? Then the original Brit Gecko can cosign the entire affair. Maybe they have a dance-off with the Geico Caveman. Pretty genius right?
*Bonus* 10 Ads I do NOT want to see in the Super Bowl:
10. Anything involving Tommy Lee Jones talking about senior citizen necessities.
9. Go Daddy commercials.
8. Another Chrysler commercial featuring an Eminem track.
7. Kit Kat bars. Let’s just band these guys from tv forever.
6. Boring celebrities promoting anti-bullying. Enough already.
5. Glee-like advertising; song and dance, beginning of the Oscars crap.
4. Movie trailers for Twilight, Reese Witherspoon, or board-games-made-into-films.
3. Serious stuff about the state of the world, starving kids, or sad dead soldier stuff.
2. Brett Favre trying to sell me jeans. Charles Barkley trying to sell me Weight Watchers.
1. Any and everything involving the annoying John Madden. Also, Tim Allen “Pure Michigan” commercials.
It would also be great if we could go the entire Sunday broadcast without hearing “Like us on Facebook” after every spot.
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Jamie Curtis Baker is an author, blogger, and commentator; he does not consider these things interchangeable. He is a published author and poet. Father, husband, and self-professed food engineer, he’s an adventurous lover of life in general and ready to face what comes. He dabbles in amateur photography. Often sarcastic, but genuinely honest and forthcoming about beliefs and opinions. Open to discussing anything worth merit and embracing the right of anyone to speak their mind. Does not hold faith in any governments or politicians; regularly questioning the orders and decisions of those deemed “leaders” of the free-world. An atheist with a twisted sense of humor and an easy-going temperament. Enjoys good food, delicious alcohol, and warm company. A writer looking for his notch in a sea of words. Interested in the macabre, the beautiful, the solitude of darkness versus light in a mysterious world. For more information, check out his website at www.jamiecurtisbaker.com.
His novella, Not Well, is available via Amazon.com.
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